What Does “Self-Love” Actually Mean?

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In growth and healing spaces, we often hear that loving yourself is one of the most important lessons to learn. And while I agree with this sentiment, what does it really mean?

When I first began my healing journey, I kept hearing I needed to love myself. So, I tried. Hard. I worked tirelessly to become someone I could love. I changed aspects of myself, addressed my flaws, and altered my environment, only to find myself back where I started: hating my life and myself.

After years of personal growth and helping others through theirs, I’ve realized something profoundly important: self-love isn’t just a feeling; it’s an action. And that action is showing up for yourself each day and believing you are worthy of good things now; not when you’ve healed, grown, or become ‘enough.’

While growth and self-improvement are essential, there’s a trap many of us fall into. We believe that one day we’ll wake up and everything—our lives, ourselves—will be perfect. No more flaws, no more problems, just smooth sailing.

But this idea will keep you chasing a reality that doesn’t exist. It will keep you searching for a version of yourself that isn’t real, either.

Healing and growth aren’t about becoming the best, most flawless version of yourself. They’re about embracing the most flawed version of yourself and choosing to love and show up for that version in the best way you can.

Here’s the truth: you aren’t worthy of love, joy, freedom, and abundance when you’ve become someone you love. You’re worthy of all those things right now, just as you are. Does this mean you should stop striving to grow? Absolutely not. But it does mean letting go of the idea that you need to hate yourself into being someone “worthy” of good things.

Since self-love is an action and not a feeling, you won’t always feel good about yourself. You’ll have flaws, make mistakes, and second-guess your worthiness. But you can still choose to show up and love yourself, even when it feels hard.

In addition, self-love isn’t always comfortable. It’s not bubble baths, shopping sprees, or blaming others for your problems. True self-love is about committing to what’s best for you, even when it’s difficult. That includes things like:

• Setting boundaries and having hard conversations
  For example, if a friend consistently dismisses your feelings or crosses a line, loving yourself means respectfully communicating how their actions affect you. It also means standing firm, even if it feels uncomfortable. On the flip side, self-love also means recognizing when you’ve hurt someone and being brave enough to apologize. Saying, “I’m sorry, I see how my actions affected you, and I’m committed to doing better,” is a form of self-respect because it aligns with your values.

• Allowing yourself to rest while treating your body with love
  Self-love might mean letting yourself sleep in when you’re exhausted instead of pushing through another workout. But it’s also about treating your body as a priority by choosing nourishing foods and engaging in movement, even when it feels easier to scroll your phone or skip meals. Asking yourself: “What does my body need right now to feel supported?”

• Distancing yourself from people who don’t treat you well while embracing those who do
  It’s easy to cut off people who are blatantly toxic, but self-love is also about walking away from subtle disrespect. For example, maybe someone frequently dismisses your dreams or minimizes your accomplishments. Self-love means saying, “This isn’t the energy I want in my life.” At the same time, it’s about being open to love and connection from people who uplift you, even if it feels vulnerable or scary to trust again.

• Getting clear on how you want to be treated while treating others the same way
  Self-love means defining your non-negotiables in relationships. Maybe you decide that mutual respect and consistency are must-haves. Once you set that standard, you honor it by showing up as someone who respects others’ boundaries, keeps their word, and communicates clearly. The goal is to love yourself well without harming others and to love others well without harming yourself. This balance allows for relationships that nurture both parties without compromising your values or boundaries.

To summarize, self-love is about grace, respect, kindness, compassion, and understanding—toward yourself and others. And it’s about realizing that no future version of yourself is more deserving of good things than the version of you right now.

The more you show up loving yourself for who you are today, the more your life will reflect back to you that you are valuable, lovable, and worthy. Conversely, the more you believe you need to be better or different in order to be good enough, the more your life will reflect back to you feelings of unworthiness. Only by recognizing that you’re worthy of good things now can you open yourself to the good things waiting to flow into your life.

The Universe is constantly guiding you in the direction of your highest good, but you need to know that you are worthy and deserving of what you desire in order to open up to the path toward these things, so keep showing up for your future self, but don’t forget to love and honor your past and present selves just as much.

As always, sending love and healing to each and every one of you.

With love,
Gabrielle N.

P.S. What’s one way you can show yourself love today? Maybe it’s setting a boundary, prioritizing rest, or speaking kindly to yourself. Start with one small act of self-love, and watch how these simple choices create powerful shifts over time.